CX

Hope means to keep living amid desperation,

And to keep running in the darkness.

Hope is knowing that there is love,

It is trust in tomorrow,

It is falling asleep and waking again

When the sun rises.

In the midst of a gale at sea

It is to discover land.

In the eyes of another it is to see that he understands you.

Henri Nouwen, 1976

[Image Chloe SS15]

CIX

People can want what they can’t have.

They’re entitled to, sure.

But they still can’t have it.

And that’s the truth.

[Image: Pinterest]

CVIII

Word.

CVII

There’s more than one way to convince yourself you’re not who you thought you were. And you’re not as good as you wanted to be. And you don’t deserve all the things you’ve been given. And you’re not enough to do the things you need to do.

I can think of many ways, in fact.

And I have tried them all. 

Yet I am still here. And my heart is still beating. And the blood still runs hot in my veins.

There’s more than one way to convince yourself that you are nothing. And yet I’m still here, and I am something, and even I cant think that thought away.

I can write words, and they can have meaning, and I can string these sentences together and tell you something more than meaning and more than words and more than what you expected. But where is the meaning in that? And where is the meaning in me. And why. I don’t know how to write between these questions swelling my mind to too-big-a-size. And its not loftiness, its not loneliness, its not letting-myself-go or locking-you-out. It just me. And they’re in my mind. And I can’t banish them if I try so why die trying. Answer the questions and maybe the words with their sense can enter in not just to the pages but to the recesses of my soul. Healing words healing the healer. Not just the patient. Not just the broken. Not just the weary. Not just the forgotten and the forlorn and the downtrodden. But healing me.

I am none of those things but I am real, and I am here.

"And my soul will hang on every word you say..."

[Image: Pinterest]

CVI

So I have this thing with tennis...

CV

There’s a lot to be said for people who make things happen for themselves.

 The ‘get shit done’ kind of people.

I don’t know where it comes from, and I don’t think it's necessarily a learnt art, but there’s something about someone who has the fortitude to go out and do, or turn up and be, or buckle down and make, that truly keeps the world going round in a very literal manner of speaking.

Some are born into unjust circumstances, and pushing boundaries is built into their blood.  Some come through trial or challenge or tumult and emerge resolved to do more, and be more, and make more than they ever did before. Some come from a long line of do-ers and makers and movers and shakers, and it’s in their very DNA.

I have a lot of respect for these people. And I often wonder – could I be one of them?

Not a learnt art, no, but a lived one. By my very living could I become a person who makes things happen for themselves. Everyone faces injustice, everyone experiences challenge, everyone can find a predecessor of the mover and shaker variety. I can build into my own blood, resolve in my own way, trigger my own DNA.

Could I not?

I believe I could.

[Image Jennifer Stenglein]