LXIII

Today is not sunny. I can tell because I'm sitting by the window, and I've been watching for a few hours now. The birds are in the red tree and not on my window sill. Because the sun isn’t here to differentiate the good from the bad spots. The warm from the shade. Its all shade. That’s why the birds are in the red tree.

Yesterday we found a desk and I've set it up by the window and now all I've done is sit here and watch. Its funny how things make an impact on you. A psychological one. They trigger things – like desks trigger words for me. I've written more words this morning than I have all week. Maybe even all month. And aprons – aprons trigger new recipes and gastronomic adventures. If someone were to buy me a new apron today, I’d probably spend all of tomorrow cooking something wonderful, and then finding someone or someone’s to eat it up and tell me about its goodness.

What if you were to buy me a loom, or a cat, or a matchbox or a bottle of Windex? All of these things mean something. They mean something to me, anyway.

Do you ever get tired of all the meaning that goes swirling around in your mind, triggered every millisecond of a millisecond but what you see, do, hear, smell, say, sense, think. Its hard to discern which meanings to trust in – our minds play so many tricks on us, don’t they? I have the debilitating habit of trusting all of them. And that’s a lot of nonsense. Nonsense for breakfast. That’s what I'm having.

So here’s a little piece of nonsense for you. If you’ve made it here thus far. I know its likely you gave up many m’s and n’s and p’s ago. Because its just nonsense. But I wont give up on you.

What if all my life this is what I was made for? Sitting and watching and waiting and thinking and writing and thinking and thinking some more. And avoiding and procrastinating and thinking and watching and sitting and sitting and watching some more. What if this is what I was made for? What if I’m good at this? What if I'm not…

I even doubt the nothings. That’s a laugh.