LXIII

Today is not sunny. I can tell because I'm sitting by the window, and I've been watching for a few hours now. The birds are in the red tree and not on my window sill. Because the sun isn’t here to differentiate the good from the bad spots. The warm from the shade. Its all shade. That’s why the birds are in the red tree.

Yesterday we found a desk and I've set it up by the window and now all I've done is sit here and watch. Its funny how things make an impact on you. A psychological one. They trigger things – like desks trigger words for me. I've written more words this morning than I have all week. Maybe even all month. And aprons – aprons trigger new recipes and gastronomic adventures. If someone were to buy me a new apron today, I’d probably spend all of tomorrow cooking something wonderful, and then finding someone or someone’s to eat it up and tell me about its goodness.

What if you were to buy me a loom, or a cat, or a matchbox or a bottle of Windex? All of these things mean something. They mean something to me, anyway.

Do you ever get tired of all the meaning that goes swirling around in your mind, triggered every millisecond of a millisecond but what you see, do, hear, smell, say, sense, think. Its hard to discern which meanings to trust in – our minds play so many tricks on us, don’t they? I have the debilitating habit of trusting all of them. And that’s a lot of nonsense. Nonsense for breakfast. That’s what I'm having.

So here’s a little piece of nonsense for you. If you’ve made it here thus far. I know its likely you gave up many m’s and n’s and p’s ago. Because its just nonsense. But I wont give up on you.

What if all my life this is what I was made for? Sitting and watching and waiting and thinking and writing and thinking and thinking some more. And avoiding and procrastinating and thinking and watching and sitting and sitting and watching some more. What if this is what I was made for? What if I’m good at this? What if I'm not…

I even doubt the nothings. That’s a laugh.

LXII

Remind me why I’m here.

Remind me why I do the things I do.

Remind me why I love them when I do them and I hate myself when I don’t.

Remind me because sometimes I need reminding. Like these times, when what I do and why I’m here feel like a whole lot of nothing and for no reason at all.

[Image: The Sartorialist]

LXI

World Between Our Sheets.

When I’m in bed with you, all the world is as naught. The howls are quiet, the babes are asleep in their houses, the sky is colourless and the moon shines no light. There is no thief or betrayer, no soldier or soul-taker, there is no war and there is no wilderness. Outside there may be people, there may be voices, there may be armorers and dead things and wild things and love and lust and hate and triumph and stealth and gnashing of teeth and brokeness and retribution and regret. But inside, where it is warm, there is none of that. There is just you and me. When I’m in bed with you you are the world to me. And it is only when the morning breaks [who says it’s morning, who is an inanimate object to tell me when the getting up is right and the going out?] that you leave me, and I am nothing again. Until you return. I remain nothing. Until you return. My world. 

LX

Like Poetry.

If I only had one shot

If I only had one wish

I’d use them up on just the thought of you.

If I could see you for one day

If I could be with you one night

I’d gladly wait a thousand moments through.

And if you only said one word

And if you only knew one name

I’d pray it would be mine you only knew.

If you had love left for someone

If I could e-rase what I’ve done

I’d chase you down and wrap my arms ‘round you.

But I’ve had more shots than most would

And I’ve walked right by where you stood

And you’ve forgotten my name, my face, my voice, me through and through.

And you’ve loved more than a few now

And I have re-grets but somehow

I’ll chase you down and wrap my arms 'round you.

Oh wont you wait wait my darlin’

Oh cant you save your gaze for me darlin’

Cos I’ve been gazing long before you set foot in the room.

If I only had one life, I’d save it up for you.

I have only got one life

I’m saving it up for you.

LIX

Lie to me.

If I told you I was a no regrets kinda gal… that would be a lie. If I said I was pretty happy-go-lucky, also a lie. If I said I was carefree, or didn’t give a damn what other people thought of me, or was perfectly content within myself – all lies. But I do tell you those things. What I wear, the way I smile, my mannerisms around total strangers, the way I dismiss your remarks or ignore your stares. I’m telling you a story about myself that I know not to be true. And its not just me – the world is a liar. Because that’s what we’re taught to do and that’s how we’re taught to be, and somewhere along the way every single one of us just joins in the game of lies that we don’t even know we’re playing anymore. This is what makes the world go round. This is what makes statistics soar – depression, racism, insecurity, suicide, intolerance, repression, abuse, self harm, bullying, hate mail, pain, suffering, neglect, misfortune. Welcome to the world we live in. Welcome to the world you live.

[Images: Unknown, Edward Weston]