CLXXXIV

I’d like to think my very bones and marrow are crying out for justice, and they are. 

But it will come. 

In its time. 

And until then, just let the simmering sadness and heat of hate wash over you, rolling, until one day they make you the person you were always meant to be. 

They’ll make you or break you. 

Let them make you, alright. 

[Image: Doutzen Kroes for Porter Magazine]

CLXXXIII

An Ode to Friendship

Not many people do the days with you

You know, each and every day

The day you wake up and your heart’s so heavy you need help carrying it out the door

The day you thought would be fine or even great and it wasn’t, it was almost unliveable

The day your world falls apart in front of your very eyes and you don’t even know how to say it let alone do anything to stop it

The day it starts fitting back together again

The day something happens

The day nothing happens

The day you feel everything all at once

The day you feel nothing at all

There’s not so many people there, on all of those days, or even most, or even a few

And the only way to know is to know 

And the only way to see is to wait, and see

It’s easier to be there, almost, for the months, for the years 

Skipping the tough stuff

Hearing the resolution story

Getting the short of it, because the long of it is done

And it’s not everyone’s burden to bear

The days

But there are some who will

And there are some for whom you will

And there is the beauty 

And the blessing 

And the best of everything 

Don’t you forsake it

Not even for a minute of those many many days

Don’t you forsake it

CLXXXII

Time is slowing down. In the heat, in the holiday glow. I wish it wouldn’t. I could just manage how it was going, before. Not too fast that I feel my life slipping, not too slow that I feel my life slipping. Just the right amount. 

[Images: Grace Hartzel and Ruth Bell by Cass Bird for Dior Magazine]

CLXXXI

Enough

Im spending so long convincing myself to do the more difficult thing

To do nothing

To wait for hope to appear

However it appears

Whenever it appears

To stay

Stay soft, stay alone, stay unknowing, stay

And I dont know if I can, but what else can I do?

And I think I might lose my grip, but what else can I do?

So here I am

Answering my own questions

Knowing I know what I need and I don't yet know what I don't yet need

And thats frustrating, always

Bit it has to be enough

How it is right now has to be enough

It has to be enough

[Image: Andreea Diaconu for Unconditional Magazine]

CLXXX

The Sadness

I put on a brave face for everyone else

Why can’t I put on a brave face for me?

I sleep here in our bed

In our home

I dont sleep

I try to erase this word from my memory

Our, we, us

You’ve erased it 

Already

Took you a while to tell me.

I put on a brave face for everyone else

But to me I'm the saddest I've ever been

And I can't separate it out

Into losing you and losing us and losing me

Its all in there

The sadness in layers, upon layers

How will I sift down to the part where I'm losing me

And save it

While the rest is erased

Erased so easily.

I pace the hallway that was ours

Run my finger along the bedsheets that were ours

Dunk my head under the shower head that was ours

And I cry

To me I'm the saddest I've ever been

But only to me

[Images: Grace Hartzel by Cass Bird, Unknown, Karmen Pedaru for Glass Magazine]

CLXXIX

There's a point when you go with what you've got. Or you don't go.

- Joan Didion

[Image: Andreea Diaconu for Unconditional Magazine]

CLXVIII

I dealt with it the same way I deal with everything. I just tended my own garden, didn't pay much attention.

- Joan Didion

[Image: Lyman Gardens Greenhouse, MA]