CXLIII

14/9: I miss you everyday, if not in waking them in my dreams. 

[Image: Barbara Palvin and Jordan Barrett for C Magazine Sep '17]

CVII

There’s more than one way to convince yourself you’re not who you thought you were. And you’re not as good as you wanted to be. And you don’t deserve all the things you’ve been given. And you’re not enough to do the things you need to do.

I can think of many ways, in fact.

And I have tried them all. 

Yet I am still here. And my heart is still beating. And the blood still runs hot in my veins.

There’s more than one way to convince yourself that you are nothing. And yet I’m still here, and I am something, and even I cant think that thought away.

I can write words, and they can have meaning, and I can string these sentences together and tell you something more than meaning and more than words and more than what you expected. But where is the meaning in that? And where is the meaning in me. And why. I don’t know how to write between these questions swelling my mind to too-big-a-size. And its not loftiness, its not loneliness, its not letting-myself-go or locking-you-out. It just me. And they’re in my mind. And I can’t banish them if I try so why die trying. Answer the questions and maybe the words with their sense can enter in not just to the pages but to the recesses of my soul. Healing words healing the healer. Not just the patient. Not just the broken. Not just the weary. Not just the forgotten and the forlorn and the downtrodden. But healing me.

I am none of those things but I am real, and I am here.

"And my soul will hang on every word you say..."

[Image: Pinterest]

LXXVIII

There is only one love language. "Die to self". 



[Words: Christine Caine]

LXXVII

A lifetime is barely enough. 

[Image form personal collection]

XXIX

Dear self - live the dream.

Hey, guess what, s***'s happening.

Hey, guess what, this is real life. Sometimes you don’t really consciously properly discerningly live in it. But this is it, and you’re a part of it.

It’s the real world now, where you have to make decisions, and have direction and vision, and know where you’re going, at least for the most part. You’re gonna make money and save money and spend money and save again and try to get ahead in the money game.

Hint: no one ever gets ahead in the money game.

Welcome to the real world, where sure, bad things happen. But when good things happen, they’re filled with enough… well, goodness… to last you all the way through the bad. Hopefully. That’s the dream.

And you’ve got the dream. You’re living in it! Don’t think just because every now and then you need to make some hard decisions and overcome some things, and maybe every now and then someone rubs you up the wrong way, or vice versa – don’t think that means your not living the dream. Because you are. And you’ll do well not to forget it.

This is called life. You’re a traveller passing through, and when you’re travelling its about living life to the full in every moment. So go on. Do that. And see what come out of it.

Live that dream. Even if you don’t know what it is quite yet… live it until you realise what you’re living.