CLXVIII

I miss you more than you could know
I watch the grass on the back lawn grow
And I will not allow winds of change to blow
And I hope you decide to come back home

'Cause this heavy heart, oh, how it's yearned
'Cause I've been alone far too long
When are you coming home, my love?
My love

...

Oh, you went running with my heart
And it's a long, long, long way back
And this right here, well it just ain't living
Oh, I want you to come back

Well I've been alone far too long
When are you coming home, my love?
Well I've been alone far too long
When are you coming home, my love?
My love

Well I've been alone far too long
When are you coming home, my love?
Well I've been alone far too long
When are you coming home, my love?
My love

- Winds of Change, Vance Joy

CXLVII

CLXVI

You have softened my body. You have softened my soul. Now you're hard up against it - the world, your own fear, all of it - and I'm losing you. 

[Image: Gemma Ward for Wonderland Magazine]

CLXV

Song for someone - 

I've circled the sun 3.45479 times with your ring on my finger, my darling. With your soul publicly wed to mine. And I regret not one of those 1260 days - not for any of their harmony, hurt, joy or sorrow. I understand you far more than I imagined and far less than I hoped. You see me both deeply and soulfully, and yet not at all, I feel. And yet here we are, still making our fourth go around this fateful orbit, and suddenly you say you're unsure. 

Immensity of fear and un-quietable loathing are knocking on my door. I can hear their jaunts from every room in the house, and I wonder how much longer I can prevent them from coming in.

You tell me, my once confident, courageous-love. How long ago did you open your door to all the demons we swore to keep at bay, or atleast to pronounce to the household before welcoming in to supper. 

Promise and trust. Where did those friends go? It seems they slipped out in the night when I thought you were sleeping soundly with me, but you were not. How can I call them home? Tell me. If it's a rousing song of my deep affection, I'll sing it. If it's a rigorous defence held against all of your afflictions, I'll take up my shield now for you, my love. Just name them to me. If it's unabashed honesty in recalling all of our failures, I've strength to face them. I've strength for us, my darling. Do you? Have you enough to let me carry you? Have you enough to say you'd like me to?

I don't know how the next 200 days will play themselves out for us, or even whether we will make it to the completion of orbit number four. A harrowing but honest thought, I tell you. All I know is that my heart skips a beat when it hears you say my name out loud, in a crowded or empty room my every fibre yearns for a sight or smell or taste of you, if ever there were a star I'd want to wish upon it would be the one that twinkles in each of your deep and soulful irises, and if tomorrow you tell me you love me no longer I know it would be as if every bone in my body were simultaneously broken.

Stay with me, baby. Stay with me. Stay with me, my suddenly lost love. Stay with me. Stay. 

CXLIV

I know what the love of a good man can do. 

I wish I could say 

I could have done it for myself, 

but it isn't true. 

A good man will take the negative noise a woman can't help but hear, 

and speak louder to her. 

He'll stand before her, and block it all from view. 

He'll fill up the room if he has to. 

I look in the mirror, 

most days, 

and admire what I see, 

because the love of a good man taught me to. 

I encounter a stranger and don't waver, 

or fall 

from standing on my own two feet, 

because the love of a good man taught me to. 

I hear the sound of my own voice, 

in the hush of a quiet room, 

and I speak in strong, steady beats, 

because the love of a good man taught me to. 

I think I knew, 

all along, 

that I was worth the world and more, 

but the love of a good man let me wrestle 

with the chance that I wasn't,

and never come up short. 

We like to be self-made, and battle-worn, 

and wisdom-aged, 

and hard-won. 

But I know what the love of a good man can do. 

He took everything I already knew, and proved it to be true.

CXLIII

14/9: I miss you everyday, if not in waking them in my dreams. 

[Image: Barbara Palvin and Jordan Barrett for C Magazine Sep '17]

CXLII

We blossom and flourish
as leaves on the tree,
And wither and perish -
but naught changeth Thee.

- Ancient Hymn


[Image: Freja Beha Erichsen by Lachlan Bailey for WSJ Magazine Sep '15]